... smiles and chuckles and tears ... oh my!

What a Grandmother is

~ written by a Third Grader

 

A Grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own; she likes other people's little girls. A grandfather is a man grandmother.  He goes for walks with the boys, and they talk about fishing and tractors, and like that.

 

Grandmas don't have to do anything except be there.  They're old, so they shouldn't play hard or run.  It is enough if they drive us to the market where the pretend horse is, and have lots of dimes ready.  Or, if they take us for walks, they should slow down past things like pretty leaves or caterpillars.  They should never say "hurry up".

 

Usually they are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.  They wear glasses and funny underwear.  They can take their teeth and gums off.

 

It is better if they don't typewrite, or play cards, except with us.  They don't have to be smart, only answer questions like, "why dogs hate cats and how come God isn't married."

 

They don't talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand.  When they read to us, they don't skip, or mind if it is the same story again.

 

Everybody should try to have one, especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only grownups who have got time.

Warning
~ by Jenny Joseph

 

When I am an old woman

I shall wear purple

with a red hat which doesn't go,

and doesn't suit me. 

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

 

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells. 

And run my stick along the public railings and make up for the sobriety of my youth. 

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain and pick the flowers in other people's gardens and learn to spit.

 

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go or only bread and pickles for a week. 

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

 

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children. 

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

 

But maybe I ought to practise a little now? 

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old,

and start to wear purple.

I am a Seenager.

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later …;

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don't have acne.

Life is great.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is … "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights."

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
 
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
 
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
 
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
 
When its in your best interest, practise obedience.
 
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
 
Take naps.
 
Stretch before rising.
 
Run, romp, and play daily.
 
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
 
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
 
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
 
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
 
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
 
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..!  run right back and make friends.
 
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
 
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.  Stop when you have had enough.
 
Be loyal.  Never pretend to be something you're not.
 
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
 
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
 
 
 

 

 

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